I’m back from the Bahamas! I am refreshed, rejuvenated, and reinvigorated. Click here if you haven’t read my last post about healing after heartbreak. My travel post about my Bahamian adventures goes up Wednesday this week.
On to the healing! Armed with a pen, journal, and a self-help book, I worked on myself. I prioritized moments that were purely for me and my well-being. I took advice from one of the greatest Disney movies ever made. I let go of everything. Past hurts, traumas, feeling used, confusion and anger at being lied to for so long, and not getting what I know I earned. I let it go.
During my trip, I analyzed and began to understand why I’ve always felt so insecure and depressed. I was bullied for my looks, being a nerd, and very neglected emotionally as a kid and teen. I didn’t have many close friends, because the military uprooted my family every few years. That impacted how I interact and trust as an adult. Our relationships with others are vital, and I’m not sure I ever understood how they’re supposed to work.
A sad fact about me is that I survived continuous sexual, emotional, and physical abuse as a child, teenager, and as an adult. I’ve carried that guilt and shame for as long as I can remember. I have complex PTSD (C-PTSD) meaning I’ve experienced trauma from multiple events over years, rather than a single event. Due to this, I’ve never truly felt safe or like I belonged anywhere. I lived in fear and uncertainty most of my life. I recall feeling unwanted or like a waste of space as far back as pre-school. My mom was ruthlessly critical of my body. My dad was a fan of angry, long winded tirades about how life wasn’t fair. I was certain that both my parents hated me for simply existing, and their words and actions did not prove otherwise. At an early age, I drew the conclusion that some people didn’t deserve love, and that I was one of them.
I felt like I lagged behind in “The Important Milestones”. Like graduating college, making a group of lifelong friends, having a career, getting engaged, having a wedding, and all the other Kodak moments. This unhealthy thought process developed because my parents constantly negatively compared my brothers and I to other kids or each other. Nothing was good enough. “I’m proud of you” or “You did great” were two things I did not hear growing up. I learned to treat myself with harshness instead of forgiveness, and hatred instead of love and acceptance. As I got older and reached any important milestone, it wasn’t good enough. It seemed like everyone in my age group had already done it. Then inevitably, it would fall apart. I couldn’t seem to get it together when everyone else already had. My broken engagement is the most recent example of this self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve consistently felt like an unlovable, damaged and unworthy outsider that couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard I tried.
This is my truth: I am not any of those things. I deserve love. I am loving, beautiful, kind, and I care deeply about myself and others. I deserve honesty and respect from the people that I love. I am brave when I feel fearful. I am strongest when I feel weak. I ask for help when I need it. I embody the love, kindness, and empathy that I have not received from the people I trusted and needed it from the most. I give away what I never got. My heart never hardened, and I stayed selfless and compassionate. I let people in and help, because I don’t want anyone to feel as bad as I have at various points in life. Instead of vindictively replicating my pain in others, I actively try to create love and comfort. I don’t assume the worst about others. I hope for the best in them. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman. This is what I learned about myself as I stood in the sun.
I’ve chosen new personal milestones that I’ve decided are important. Other stuff will fall into place when it’s supposed to. There’s no shame in that. One day I’ll cross paths with someone as filled with light and love as I am and have the healthy, supportive, and loving relationship that was meant for me. That person will appreciate me and everything I do to make them feel special, and won’t think twice about doing the exact same for me. His words and actions will match. With him, I’ll never feel the pain of being taken for granted again. One day, my special someone won’t be able to wait any longer and will propose to me, making sure it’s the most special unforgettable surprise of my life. I will have people in my life that want to celebrate happiness with me. My person and I won’t be perfect, but we’ll be worth it. One day, I’ll get everything I have ever deserved and won’t wonder any longer. But until that happens, I am leaving the past behind and focusing on myself and my new milestones.
This trip was so beneficial in so many ways. I met so many amazing people in Nassau. I met a guy that came to the Bahamas to help rebuild after Hurricane Dorian, because he felt compelled to. I met the quality of people I couldn’t find in Guam, the kind of people that I needed to be around to grow. Finding real and unique people who know what they want and where they are going had such an impact on me. If you’re not where you want to be or don’t know the kinds of people you think you need, try a change of scenery. They’re out there! I received a lot of great advice from men and women alike. The men told me not to go back to the past and get hurt again, and to not make time for second chances. The women told me not to diminish and exhaust myself or sacrifice the way I had before. Sacrifice and compromise are not the same thing. They encouraged me to move on and told me not to lose hope. The past won’t change, but the future has plenty of time and a plan for me. I’m doing the right thing by taking charge of my life, taking an honest look at myself, changing what I can, and doing it all with a smile on my face. I’m listening to those older and wiser than me. They know better, so I’m not looking or going back. They shared the lessons I needed to heal.
The most poignant line for me in You Are A Badass said, “If something negative happens in your life, feel it, learn from it, let it go and get back to focusing on the life you’re excited to live.” I’ve been doing that in my own way without realizing it.
By the end of my trip, I became aware of my power. I made what I wanted happen without letting anything or anyone (including myself) stand in my way. I went to a music festival. I got the car I’ve always wanted. I traveled alone for the first time. I swam with a group of sea turtles. I learned new things, while making worthwhile and interesting friends from all over the world. That is powerful. All I needed was a chance and the most painful experience of my life to create the opportunity. Nothing can shake the absolute confidence and trust I have in myself right now. I make things happen. I am powerful. I will repeat that to myself every day.
What makes me happiest in this moment, is that my growth isn’t stemming from wanting to be a better person for someone else to accept me. I want to be a better person for me. I don’t want to keep struggling with the weight of pain anymore. I’ve had enough pain. I want joy. I don’t want pain to keep me stuck in the gloomy past while I miss out on the endless possibilities of the present and future. I lost someone important to me, but I found someone even more important: myself. I accept myself. I accept what happened to me. I accept that I can’t change the past. I’ve embraced all that is me, good, bad, and ugly. I’ve given my scared and lonely inner-child a big hug and told her that I’m proud of her. I am ready to move on with my life. It’s time.
“This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let it shine.”
This was my favorite song when I was a little girl, next to “Thriller” and “Waterfalls” by TLC. It popped in my head as I thought about what my friend had said when we reconnected. He said, “You have a light.” Although my light has flickered and sputtered more times than I care to count, it’s never gone out because I’ve never truly given up. My light’s still shining through the darkness, and so will I. I’m using my light to look forward and find what’s meant for me.
Have you gone on a trip to get to know yourself?
Leave a comment below & share your experience!