It’s September, look at that! Remember when March took two months to pass? The rest of the year sprinted by to make up for it, I guess. It’s only a few months until a new year starts. I think we’re all ready and waiting for that.
My affirmation from last Sunday, I accept and release everything in my life that is beyond my power to change, ran through my mind many times. I released a Breakup Journal and went to a wedding. I honestly don’t think I would have been capable of either thing had I not let go of the almost unending waves of pain and sadness that followed my ended engagement. It wasn’t a run of the mill breakup. It was literally getting my heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly by the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life because so many things I believed in and centered my life around were false.
At first, when the truth came out and the secrets were revealed, I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t want to. My happy bubble burst, and I remember dissociating and being unable to comprehend the words that were said. It was not easy to accept that the majority of my relationship was not real, but it was necessary to find peace. It took most of this year to come to terms with my confusion, anger, and shame that I had given my all to someone that didn’t want it. I couldn’t understand why anyone would do this to another person, or how someone could be capable of living a double life. I thought that I had done something wrong and kept blaming myself for everything. I was wracked with guilt, and I didn’t understand why. It hurt like nothing I had ever felt before, and I’ve been through some unimaginable and unspeakable stuff. It felt like everyone knew he was the luckiest guy in the world… except for him. One of the biggest things I had to understand and accept was that although he did not see my value, it didn’t mean that I had none. I can’t change what happened, but I can change my reaction to it. My reaction now is higher standards and clearly defined boundaries, and that’s the healthiest and best reaction a girl can have to such a traumatic heartbreak. I know that I deserve better.
Putting such an emphasis on gratitude has helped dull the sting of being rejected without warning or for any clear reason. I couldn’t make sense of the breakup, and honestly, I still can’t. But I’ve changed my focus to things I can make sense of and give real effort. I’ve found so much to appreciate about my life instead of tearing myself apart over what I’ve lost or what others have that I don’t. It’s made me a lot happier, and the best part is that my happiness is created within. It’s no longer dependent on anyone else, so no one else can take it.
Something I was happy about this week… was the wedding I went to yesterday. I wasn’t sure I was up to the challenge of attending a wedding a few months after I was supposed to get married. May and June were very tough months for me because that was when I was going to be a bride in Paris. It was a very tough decision on whether or not I wanted to go because it meant coping with old feelings. The bride and groom are my neighbors, and they’re practically family, so I went with it. And honestly, I’m so glad I did. Seeing a couple express real love and devotion to each other gave me so much hope. Most folks shed a tear or two, but I worried that if I started to cry, I wouldn’t stop. Instead, I stayed dry-eyed, sending a silent request to the universe for a person to come into my life and bring peace with them instead of the hell I’ve been through. That day’s coming. I had a glimpse of it before, but unfortunately, it wasn’t real. Seeing this couple happy and in real love, reaffirmed my belief that someone worth my time and effort is on the way. I just need to be patient and not look backward at what might’ve been. I need to look ahead and welcome what is going to be.
This week I was proud of myself because I didn’t let last year destroy me. It almost cost me my life several times. I look at where I was last October, reeling from having the rug pulled out from under me, then see where I am now. I couldn’t be prouder of myself for creating purpose from the inexplicable pain of last year and most of this year. I wrote and released two books based on my experiences and have a new network of support and new friends that I can relate to that encourage me to keep going and striving for more. I couldn’t be happier with what I worked hard to create. It’s an amazing feeling to finally believe in myself. I never knew what real self-confidence, self-love, and self-esteem felt like before the last few months. I thought I lost the love of my life, when in fact, I found her. Yep, you got it. She is me.
This Week’s Affirmation
This week I’ve chosen the affirmation: I choose myself, even when others refuse to.
To me, this means not letting myself get down in the dumps because of what’s happened to me. There are days when past traumas rear their ugly heads, and I get caught in a negative thought loop. My inner critic (Karen) tells me that I could’ve done things better and the bad things wouldn’t have happened. I tell her to hush once I realize what I’m doing. I’m letting go of the idea that anything would’ve happened differently and choosing to encourage myself into a better future. I’m choosing myself instead of negativity, sadness, or giving up.
This Week’s Journal Prompts for Choosing Yourself
Yesterday I caught myself getting bent out of shape with past-me because I had forgotten that I’m a really beautiful young woman. Like I know I’m pretty, I just forgot how pretty if that makes any sense. I got dolled up for the wedding and remembered, “Goddammit, I’m gorgeous.”
It may seem like a weird thing to get angry about, but the anger was more about how I let people treat me so badly than just about being pretty. It was this strange mixture of continuing to blame myself for things others have done and recognizing that I’m beautiful, kind, intelligent, and deserving of so much better. Past-me forgot that I am the whole package, and I got mad that past-me didn’t understand how deserving she was of truth, love, respect, and kindness. I won’t be forgetting that again. These (and other) journal prompts will be my reminders.
What is one area of life that I have really grown this year (health, financially, professionally, emotionally, maturity, relationships)?
What do I need to understand about myself in order to move forward?
What will I no longer accept from others?
In the week ahead, I’m looking forward to making more progress in my Victim’s Advocate course, as well as announcing the winners of my 30-Day Breakup Recovery journal giveaway. Don’t forget to participate! All you have to do is share the Instagram post in your Instagram story, re-pin the Pinterest post, or share the Facebook post to win a free copy of the journal and a Breakup Survival Kit.