Do you feel like you keep missing the opportunities that everyone else seems to magically stumble upon? Or do you realize way after the fact that you should’ve taken that chance or joined that group?
Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. We don’t realize what we have until it’s gone or we’re too scared to take a leap of faith. And it only leaves us kicking ourselves in a few months’ time, because someone else is where we wanted to be, because they did what we couldn’t or wouldn’t.
It’s amazing how we get in the way of our own happiness or satisfaction, isn’t it? I used to stand in my own way all the time. Fear was my main motivator and fear of both success and failure used to leave me paralyzed. Fear of success? Yes. I was so used to failing at things, that being successful was like, “Oh god… what do I do now? I don’t have to start over?! Oh… shit. Now what?!”
The belief that kept me stuck
I want to share the biggest lesson I’ve learned when it comes to blocking blessings. One belief, in particular, kept me from loving myself, feeling worthy of good things, and being my best self.
What was the belief?
“I don’t deserve this.”
Yep. I’d tell myself that hourly, minutely, secondly (if that’s a thing).… I’d say it to myself all the time. When I thought I had a good man, I believed and would write constantly in my journal, “I don’t deserve him. I don’t know what I did to deserve him. Why did he pick me?” I was terrified that he’d leave me, and I’d spend hours reassuring myself every day that he wouldn’t, and when the engagement ring showed up, I spent copious amounts of time reassuring myself that the ring on my finger meant he wouldn’t leave me.
And well, we all know how that worked out.
My belief that I was not deserving of good things led to a loss of said good thing, every time. We’re talking the great job that I found a year or two after getting out of the Air Force after struggling to find one, keeping the relationship with the person I believed I did not deserve, and even my dream car. The VW Beetle that I had last year, that I absolutely adored… I didn’t feel worthy of it. And guess what? A car accident took it from me.
I had no self-esteem whatsoever. Being in an environment like the one I grew up in where everything I did, said or even thought made me the recipient of harsh criticism or worse had quite the negative impact on my entire life. After a while, I believed that I deserved all the abuse and terrible things that followed in my teen and young adult years. I never expected anything good to happen to me, because as far as I knew, terrible shit followed me around no matter where I went, and it was because I deserved it.
As a result, I did not have the self-confidence or self-worth to receive my gifts and know that I was more than deserving of them. Had I had the confidence, who knows what might’ve happened? I may have walked away from that relationship, because I knew it wasn’t serving me. I might’ve been confident enough to stay in that job and had a completely different future right now. I can’t explain the car wreck, other than remembering that I felt unsurprised when my car was totaled. It was just another good thing that got taken away from me, because I sucked. The way I’m looking at it now? I’m not paying for car insurance during a pandemic when I’m barely going anywhere. Long story short, I would have valued myself enough to know that the things in my life were meant for me and that I deserved the best and not expect the worst from everything all the time.
What changed? I had a mindset change. Before, I was stuck in a fixed mindset, meaning there was nothing I could do about my life or situation. My fixed mindset was that I was a terrible person that deserved all the shitty things that happened to me because I was unworthy of anything good or positive in my life. Like I said, growing up in an unstable and volatile environment, plus having depression (later diagnosed as Bipolar 2) with Borderline Personality Disorder on top of that… I wasn’t a happy person, even though I had the brightest smile of anyone, anywhere, at any given time.
I learned about having a growth mindset, and my life became full of surprising little blessings that I’m beyond happy to receive and treasure, because I know I’m deserving of them! My growth mindset is now, I am an amazing woman that has withstood more than I needed to in the past, so I’m going to receive more than I expect every day.
And my blessings don’t have to be blaring, like all of a sudden receiving a million dollars from an unknown relative’s will (although that would be nice! I wouldn’t turn that away!). I receive blessings in getting messages from people telling me that I’ve helped them with my blogging. Blessings come in the shape of feeding ducks and turtles every afternoon. They are wrapped in the hugs that I give myself daily or the random laughs I get from text messages from friends and loved ones.
I choose to be blessed, every single day, and have been over the moon about this choice for some time now.
A changed mindset also makes dating easier! I’ve been ghosted a fair few times because I’m not interested in having sex right away. Those relationship boundaries that I’ve set for myself have been working like gangbusters! I choose not to mourn a dude that wasn’t worthy of me, and I celebrate the fact that he’s made room for the person that is supposed to be with me. I don’t even sweat not getting texted back. Not my problem!
Not blocking your blessings is all about perspective. Are you looking at a hill like, “Oh man, I have to climb this,” or like, “Aw snap, when I get to the top, I get to roll down laughing!” ?
Changing your mindset is not easy work. It takes work every day. Even now, I catch myself with a negative thought and quickly forgive and correct myself. You can do it, too! There’s actually a fixed and growth mindset section in my 30-Day Self-Love Journal. Give it a whirl, you’ll learn a lot about how you think and speak to yourself.
Observation begets learning, and change begins with action.
And action becomes taking that chance or joining that group.
I believe in you! I’m not one of those people that are like, “If I can do it, anyone can,” because I feel like that’s unfair. Everyone has extenuating circumstances and different issues going on in their lives, especially in 2020. So what I will say, is that I’m holding hope and love in my heart for you. I believe that you can change your mindset, even if you don’t think it’s possible. I’m rooting for you!
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