I am taking a hiatus from blogging.

I am taking a hiatus from blogging.

“The world tests those who are going to contribute the greatest gifts.” A kind stranger on the internet said this to me when my whole world was imploding this past week. The words touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I am taking a hiatus from blogging, because well…

I have been going through it this week. It’s just been a rough few days. Actually I don’t want to sugarcoat it. It’s been a rough few months. The most recent problem solved itself with the help of many kind strangers reaching out, and a therapist that was determined to help me reduce my stress level. Even with the help, I became overwhelmed. I’m beginning to understand that I am struggling with carrying what life is handing me.

I think it would be incredibly wrong of me to ignore what I need. My posts preach self-care and loving yourself. This is the best way I know how to show that I love myself enough to do what is necessary to heal. I’m taking a hiatus from blogging, because it’s time to ask for help.

I don’t know how long I will be gone, but I hope with every heart beat, that I will get the help that I need. I’m going to a safe place where I can heal with help from professionals. After receiving help, something great will happen, and my life will turn the corner toward happiness and peace that lasts. To me, asking for help is a sign of strength and courage.

Asking for help is my refusal to accept that pain and heart ache are my destiny. There has to be more to life than pain, failure, and uncertainty. This is me saying, “I won’t give up.”

Although I am taking a hiatus from blogging, it has been wonderful to go on this journey, and meet such kindness, empathy and encouragement. I felt like I was making a difference with this blog. This is the only time in my life that I haven’t felt completely alone and misunderstood. I have connected with wonderful people and learned so much. I am grateful for everything anyone has done to help me, whether is was just saying something positive or sending a meme. It helped immensely. I’m not used to receiving kindness, but the small and large acts made a world of difference to me. Thank you for helping me feel seen and understood.



Understanding and ending my toxic cycle

I had a breakthrough in therapy this week! I reached a point of understanding what my toxic cycle is! Now that I have the information, I am ending my toxic cycle this year.

When I was in high school, the only thing that motivated me was getting away from my parents. It was literally the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. It motivated me to become Student Council President of my high school, chase high grades, and get involved in after school activities and sports. Any second I could spend away from home was a second of relief. My only goal was to get the hell away from them and never be terrorized again. I applied to colleges in London, Australia, and even Colorado, because I wanted so bad to be in places that they would never find me.

Of course that didn’t work out, and I was the last of my siblings to leave the house. I’m also the only sibling that keeps returning. The day that I decided to tell my parents that I was moving out, because I couldn’t take it anymore, was a few days before Christmas in 2010. I was 21 and in college in San Antonio at the time. My younger brother gave me a pep talk, saying that everything would be fine. He went to school in Florida but was visiting for Christmas. My anxiety was visible, even though I had a solid plan. He assured me with, “Just go downstairs and tell them. Nothing bad’s gonna happen.”

He was wrong.

My narcissist father punched me in the face as soon as the words left my lips. I had my glasses on at the time, and was left with a large welt on my cheekbone. My brother got between us and pushed him away from me, but I started sobbing immediately. My mom just looked on without reacting. You’d never know it if you met us in public, but that’s our normal dynamic. It’s horrible. That’s not the first time he’s attacked me as an adult, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

Since then, I jumped from relationship to relationship looking for a way away from them. I ended up dating a sociopath, which sent me running back to my parents’ home after six months of being isolated, beaten, and violated every day. From there, I began a toxic career in the Air Force, that resulted in sexual assaults, mental breakdowns, and multiple hospitalizations. When I was medically retired, I ended up back in my parents’ house. I dated a number of toxic guys, ending up in bad situations all because I was looking for an escape from my parents. Each time I ended up back in my parents’ house.

Then I met my ex, and he did not seem toxic in any way shape or form. He was actually kind and honest. I felt something with him I had never felt before. Safety. Feeling safe for the first time in my life caused such a transformation. Suddenly, I believed in myself, and I felt like things could be different. I was genuinely happy, instead of working hard to make people believe that I was. With him, I cleaned up my life, got my career back, and eventually moved. When we broke up unexpectedly, guess where I ended up again? Back at my parents’ house. Shocker.

Guam was the only place i have ever lived where I felt completely safe.
I found peace and safety in Guam’s beautiful sunsets.

This is my cycle. I go from a toxic environment back to the initial environment that harmed me, year in and year out. The only difference was in Guam, I felt safe for a time. I blossomed before a bad situation veered my life back into toxicity again. Recovering from that was so hard, because I had finally had safety, and it was yanked away by a different narcissist’s addiction to chaos and drama. It fucked me up for months, because I thought I had broken the cycle. I hadn’t. Instead I found it in different people. The depressive episode after that realization lasted several debilitating months.

So the cycle continued in Guam. My mental health took a complete nosedive. In that situation, I was confronted with and could not avoid the very trauma I thought I had finally escaped. It was extremely hard on me. I lost about 20 pounds in several weeks, and my mental health crumbled under the stress. I pinged back and forth between mania, depression, and crippling anxiety attacks. I barely slept or slept all the time, bouncing between paranoia and fear at all times. It was exhausting.

When we moved away from that situation, the safety came back. I created a calm, quiet, and inviting space in our new home. It was so peaceful, and I loved being at home. I healed and completely distanced myself from the people that caused my decline. I stopped hanging out without saying anything to anyone. I could breathe again and my mental health settled down, because I didn’t feel stressed. I started doing healthy things, went back to a healthy weight, and stopped drinking, much like how I taking care of myself now.

How am I ending this cycle now that I recognize and understand it? The same way. Cutting ties and No Contact. I might not be in a place financially to live on my own, but in order to break this cycle, I need to go. I have to do what scares me. There are a whole lot of factors that I either have no options available or scarcity, but I’ll have to deal with it. Another problem presented itself with my little car accident last week. That resulted in the total loss of my car. I just have to add that to my growing problem pile and find a solution.

This same question has presented itself numerous times in my life. Stay in a toxic situation and make the best of it, or leave and try to make it in uncertain circumstances? Each time, I always stayed out of fear of the unknown. I can’t do that this time. I can’t allow this cycle to perpetuate itself any longer.

My understanding is this: there’s a reason it keeps happening. It’s solely life (or the universe) telling me to make a different decision. I’m listening this time. This is the decade of making different choices and ending the cycle that has plagued me for far too long. My main goal now? Putting my full trust in every decision I make, and not letting anyone or anxiety talk me out of what I know is right for me.

6 Blogs & Podcasts that helped me get back on track

know yourself, know your worth!

When my life took an extremely painful and unexpected detour, I went looking for answers and advice on how to know if I should move on, how to stop the pain, and how to create a life that made me happy. I needed to learn the qualities of a truly healthy relationship. New habits needed to be instilled while old ones needed to be broken. I wanted to heal in a real way, not just the “Look at me, I’m doing better now” fake facade that most people post on social media. Most importantly, I wanted to make permanent positive changes. I understand most that staying the same will result in the same problems. I won’t allow that any longer. Here’s a list of podcasts and blogs that have helped me the most:

Therapy for Black Girls
The wonderful Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a clinical psychologist based out of Atlanta, is my hero for creating this podcast and website. Mental health is still kind of taboo in the African-American community, but she and her interviewees are working hard to change the stigma. The topics discussed are everything from relationships, work-life balance, trauma, and so much more. The episodes “Taking Care of Yourself After a Breakup”, “Finding Your People”, and “Reimagining Single Life” gave me perspective, tools, and a calm that I don’t think I would’ve had otherwise. They assured that no matter how things worked out, I would be okay.

Girl Be Free
Siobhan Sudberry actually reached out on Instagram and told me about her online community the Be Free Family. She is so inspiring and has such a calm, but powerful voice. The first episode I listened to “Forgive Yourself made me cry. I’m not avoiding my emotions anymore, so if tears come, they fall, I understand and appreciate them and move forward from them. I’m trying out these new things called grace, self-awareness, and self-compassion instead of being hard on myself which was the part of the core message of that episode. Siobhan and I had a whole conversation on Instagram, and she sent me a guide called “101 Resources That Every Woman Needs To Live Her Best Life”. A cool lesson that keeps making itself known is that kind people with clear intent to help keep showing up unexpectedly, but it’s exactly when I need them.

HER – Healthy Empowered Relationships
Imagine my surprise when I found out that Barry Price’s podcasts laid out the very framework of what a healthy relationship looks like. After a few episodes, I realized that I haven’t had very healthy romantic relationships, but that was partly because I didn’t have a very healthy relationship with myself. It was an upsetting, but necessary realization. The episode that caused a breakthrough was “Is This Relationship Worth Saving?”. I answered each question in the episode out loud and honestly, which prompted me to look at the situation with forgiveness instead of sadness or anger. One thing I needed to do was apologize and forgive the pain. The first part was hard to do, but the second part is taking time. I honestly think that’s a good thing.

My Seven Chakras
AJ is all about self-healing and bringing people onto his show to help listeners get in touch with their energy. The podcast features thought provoking books and interesting guests. I finally understood that I kept attracting the same kind of men, because my negative and insecure energy beckoned them. I didn’t feel good about myself, and attracted those that felt the same or preyed upon it. The episode that opened my eyes was “Uplifting and Fulfilling Relationships with Guy Finley”. Guy spoke passionately about love, pain, fighting, and blame in ways I’ve never heard. His books The Secret of Letting Go and Relationship Together: Waking Up Together are on my upcoming reading lists.

Post Male Syndrome
Natasha Adamo and her team of bloggers are so insightful about heartbreak, self-doubt, and relationships, which are all things that I needed help with. Many of the posts deal with narcissists, selfish, and emotionally closed off men, and the trauma they inflict on women. Reading these posts had to come from a place of forgiveness instead of blame, because they hit very close to home with a number of my past relationships. The posts “How to Respect Yourself When You Have No Self-Respect” and “How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart” taught me about boundaries and embracing the pain by using it to create actions and goals that give pain purpose. I have never once considered pain as a tool for growth, because I avoided it at all costs. I am still wrestling with pain, because I’m using it to become my best self. I’m spending a lot of time reading the self-improvement category at the moment. Natasha also recently got engaged, and I couldn’t be happier for her!

Afam Uche
This blog is everything I needed to find some direction and really get to know myself. Afam Uche has shared so much about her life, written poetry, and even made personal development tools. The thing I want the most for myself is commitment to permanent positive change instead of commitment to another relationship. I found what I was looking for in this blog to really begin healing. The post “Important Steps to Take In Order To Change Your Life” was the gentle nudge I needed. I am prone to getting deeply depressed and discouraged when things don’t go the way I think they should. Because I wasn’t finding happiness the exact way I wanted it, I wasn’t open to all the other ways it could be found. I have to let go of those negative habits to embrace what else is out there.

What I’m trying to accomplish is hard, but I’m committing to positive change, instead of committing to continued pain and heart ache. I know made great strides in the last month, but it’s going to take much more time. I’m treating myself with honesty and forgiveness, while also being realistic about how long this process may take. Small changes are my goal for each day. Each decision I make comes from a place of love and trust. I’m caring for my body by exercising, not drinking excessively, and doing kind things for myself. I’m doing what feels right for me. Whether it’s going to bed early or having an extra cup of water, I’m doing it. I’m taking responsibility for my happiness, my future, and everything in between. I feel empowered. My healing journey is far from complete, but things will get better from here on out.

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Music is helping me connect with my emotions again

Rachelle at an EDM festival when she's hurt and upset? What an amazing and unheard of concept. LOL,.
Little MerQueen at yet another EDM festival, where I was running away from my feelings

Music is such a great way to process emotions, which is probably why I avoided it like the plague. I started listening to EDM a few years ago, because all the beeps, bops, and drops didn’t make me think. I didn’t have to connect to it and feel anything. There’s few emotions in music without lyrics. It was an escape. I just moved my body, and that was that.

Since I’ve been on this healing journey, I’ve started listening to something else. I’ve been acknowledging my feelings and thoughts. In doing so, I’m opening the door to forgiveness. Here’s what I’ve been listening to for introspection:

Soulmate by Lizzo
“I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one”

Lizzo is an absolute goddess. I love her. She is unapologetically herself, no matter what anyone says. It’s empowering to watch her move through life doing what makes her happy and fulfilled. She deserves every award and accolade coming her way. This song was such inspiration for me really embrace myself and appreciate everything great about myself. I’m kind, sweet, and funny, and damn it if I don’t absolutely enjoy that every day.

Sorry by Beyonce
“Today I regret the night I put that ring on
He always got them fucking excuses”

Oh Queen B. What is there to say about this woman that hasn’t been said already. She is unstoppable. I’ve never been a huge Beyonce fan, but her album Lemonade captured every feeling, thought, and question that’s run through my mind in the last couple months. This song in particular helped me work through my anger, betrayal, and shame in a healthier way. This one comes on every time I’m stretching and warming up to run.

Worthy by India.Arie
“Worthy of love, worthy of life
Worthy of saying no when something don’t feel right”

India.Arie has the most beautiful soul. This woman is everything I aspire to be in terms of being inspirational, loving, and true to myself. I look up to her so much. Her latest album Worthy is everything someone with a broken heart needs to hear. Every song feels like she’s handing the listener a little brick of self-esteem to stack until their shaky foundation is steadier. This album has caused a lot of tears, but also smiles and nods.

I Shall Be Released by Nina Simone
“Any day now, any day now
I shall be released”

I listen to this one every morning. This is the first song I listen to as soon as I get up. There is something about Nina Simone. It’s sadness in her voice. It resonates with me. I feel like we share the same soul at times. Each time I listen to this song, I feel like I let go of some of the pain that I’ve held onto for so long.

Brand New Me by Alicia Keys
“I’m not expecting sorry
I’m too busy finding myself”

Y’all, when I say this song is POWERFUL. It is everything. Alicia Keys has been a part of my life since middle school. Her ups and downs were my ups and downs, even when I was 13 and didn’t know nothing about nothing. This is the anthem for my healing journey. I have changed, and what hurt me neither matters to me or controls me any longer. A metamorphosis is happening. You can either help in that process or get the hell out of my way. Queen Alicia reigns supreme.

These artists reached into my mind, heart and soul. Their music gave me all the strength, kindness, and love that I needed to really feel my emotions. Their words provided understanding and a feeling of being understood. I think that’s was the worst part of having a broken heart. Feeling so damn misunderstood when I was trying so hard to be seen, heard, and loved by the one I was seeing, hearing , and loving with ease.

The best part of healing, is of course, beginning to understand myself. I have clarity about who I am, what I want and need, and who I need to be around to feel safe, happy, and inspired. I feel safe and whole on my own. Finally, I don’t feel as lost and confused as I did this whole year.

What music helps you connect with your emotions? I’d love to start a playlist to share! Let me know in the comments. And as always, connect with me on social media! The links are below.

What do I have in common with a depressed horse?

My struggle with borderline personality disorder has mostly been under the surface. Usually when people hear “Borderline Personality Disorder”, they react like someone peed in their cereal. Disgust or anger that crosses their faces as they begin to talk a particular ex or the movie Gone Girl or Girl, Interrupted. Things I’ve heard about borderlines?

“Those girls are absolutely insane.”
“They’re the worst people on the planet.”
“They are crazy, but they’re the best in bed.”

Attention whores with extreme daddy issues.”
Oh, you mean strippers?”
“If you don’t want to get stabbed or murdered, don’t date one of them.”
“They deserve to be locked up and kept away from normal people.”

The people that said those things didn’t realize they were speaking to a person with that personality disorder. Do I fit their criteria? Nope. Am I mostly in control of my actions, reactions, and emotions? Yeah, but it depends on my stress level and environment.

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by:

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family.
  • Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”). This is also sometimes known as “splitting.”
  • Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.
  • Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.
  • Self-harming behavior including suicidal threats or attempts.
  • Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.
  • Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.
  • Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt.
  • Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity or “out of body” type of feelings—and stress-related paranoid thoughts. Severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes.

Yep, I check most those boxes or did at one point. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that. Thankfully, therapy and medication has given me a reprieve from my own intensity. That’s something I’ve gotten used to being described as: intense. But it’s the truth. When I fly high, I am intoxicating and everything you could ever want in a human being. When I feel sad, I crawl into this dark hole that I can’t get out of then initiate self-destruction sequences. One small word or action can send my day into a tail spin. I live on a roller coaster. I’ve had to unlearn a lot. Taking a breath before speaking has become a life saver. I typically withdraw until I’m ready to speak rationally. I’ve also got some meds that have evened me out a ton.

I lashed out a lot in my early twenties while I was still undiagnosed. Here’s a huge and necessary, I’m truly sorry for how I behaved toward you, to every guy I dated in that time period. I was not the person I am now, and it’s okay if you still hate me. I hated me then, too.

The best portrayal of Borderline Personality Disorder, in my opinion, is Netflix’s BoJack Horseman. What would the horse from Horsin’ Around know about BPD? Quite a bit. He’s self-destructive, impulsive, and looks for approval in everyone around him while simultaneously pushing them away. BoJack’s very intelligent, quick-witted, but mean and sarcastic as a defense mechanism. He engages in risky sex, binge drinking and driving, and drug abuse. All of his self-sabotaging decisions, his desire to get away from himself, and his absolute need to be loved ring so true with me. I adore BoJack, because I don’t feel so alone. He is the male version of me. It’s also refreshing to see a depiction of a male borderline, because I feel like the media ignores them completely.

An absolutely gut wrenching scene where BoJack realized just how big the consequences can be from his actions.
“The only thing that matters is right now. This moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right Sarah Lynn?” That starry scene in the background has been the Home Screen of my phone for years.

You could say I’m high functioning now. I don’t necessarily act like BoJack anymore. There’s evidence that borderlines actually grow out of these behaviors by their 30’s or 40’s. I’m working hard at changing, but I am also much less intense than I was at 23. How come? Time and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It was created by Marsha Linehan. She’s a doctor that actually has borderline personality disorder, but created a method to challenge all the thoughts that tell me I’m worthless or that I should harm myself. DBT helped me learn how to tolerate distress and practice mindfulness.

Me chugging a mimosa
Yep, chugging mimosas was a normal Sunday for me.

The only time the techniques fail me is breakups. They are uniquely hard for me, because of my fear of abandonment. Even if I’m the one that initiates the break up, I react as if I’m the one broken up with. And if I’m actually the one broken up with, my whole world collapses. It brings up the worst emotions. Everything I was afraid of during the relationship, in other relationships, as a little girl comes straight to the surface. My internal struggle with borderline personality disorder becomes very visible. It’s like a volcano erupts.

When I lived in Destin, I swear, my group of friends used to look forward to my frequent breakups, because I would go wild afterward. Feral might even be a better word to describe an out of control and hurting Rachelle. I would go off my meds completely, and party hard, doing the most ridiculous shit. It was entertainment for them, but I was destroying myself. Without caring about the consequences, I threw myself to the wind many times, because I felt that no one loved me. Somehow I’ve avoided STDS, DUI’s, and death. I consider myself very lucky. Other people going through the same pain were not so fortunate.

Right now is probably the best I’ve ever reacted to heart break. I was frantic initially, yes, but I calmed down in a day or two. I resisted drinking, or theatrical sobbing midnight phone calls, or getting naked with any guy that smiled in my direction. Risky or impulsive decisions were not an option. I needed to end the cycle of abusing and punishing myself. I’m not really a self-harmer, but I didn’t have any suicidal ideations which is a huge sign of progress for me. I don’t know what caused it, but I told myself that I would not treat myself that way this time.

Even though every brain cell is shouting to do the opposite, I’m controlling my impulses. I’m exercising every day and doing productive things instead of self-destructing. Dancing terribly the living room until I feel better is a daily occurrence, because it makes me laugh. Sure I cry, but I make sure that’s accompanied with writing down exactly what was going on in my head and heart. I get it out instead of letting sad or angry thoughts bounce back and forth in my mind. I also go to therapy and coaching. I’m staying on my medications and hugging my giant teddy bear whenever I get down. My soul searching trip empowered me and influenced this very level-headed and rational approach to healing. You might even say I’ve matured through this process.

This makes me inexplicably proud of myself. I’m sure 19 to 27 year old me is doing backflips and cheering. You can’t heal in the environment that harmed you, but you also can’t heal while harming yourself. Somehow that clicked in my mind without words this year. I wish that I had been able to do this for myself sooner, like maybe when I was 23 or 24. But I am grateful that I get to learn this lesson and heal myself at all.

What I’ve learned from living with BPD?
I am not alone. I am worthy of love, respect, kindness and security. There is hope. There is genuine love and understanding out there for people like me. There is the possibility of change and recovery. Each day is a second chance. I can accomplish healing.

My Battle with Anxiety & Depression

What does it feel like to be so low that you can’t leave your bed, yet at the same time your mind’s going a million miles per hour freaking out about everything you’re not doing? I’m changing my outlook with affirmations, but I also want to share my experience with mental illness.

Me in the fifth grade before being pushed over by a bully.
That’s me in fifth grade.
I was pushed over after this was taken.

I’ve experienced depression since grade school. I vividly recall walking through Wal-Mart with my mom and younger brother after school when I was seven years old. Partially quoting Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web, I looked up at her and said, “Mom, I’m only seven and I’m tired of living.”

A strange look crossed her face when she shushed me, telling me not to talk like that. “You don’t say things like that.”

That statement should have led to a trip to a doctor, but it was another lesson on how I should not be honest about my feelings. I was told to stop exaggerating. So I wasn’t honest about how I felt inside. I began smiling like crazy when I got my braces off. The sadness got pushed down. I tried hard to be like everyone else, while dying inside. As an adult, my days became muddled by this inexplicable fog. I got to the point of suicidal ideations and plans many, many times. Thankfully, I’m still here.

Anxiety feels like when you’re in seventh grade. You’re gawky and awkward, and your hands and feet are too big for your body. You’re standing at the front of the class for your book report. Your heart’s racing, and you’re shaking a little. You start sweating, and eyes bore into you. This is what I like to call my default setting, because I feel this way all the time. The best depiction of anxiety in a movie was how Miles felt in Into the Spiderverse when he first started having Spidey Sense. “Who’s Morales?” had me on the floor, because anxiety has made me say some really dumb stuff without fail. “It’s a puberty thing.” LOL!

Me in the sixth grade when I started at a new school.
I started 6th grade in a new school, very skinny due to stress and anxiety from moving. Losing a bunch of weight from stress is still a struggle.

I started having anxiety in 5th grade. My bullies were extra cruel then, and I had a very mean, dismissive teacher. Prior to developing anxiety, I was a straight A student. Without warning, I started failing math and science, two subjects that never gave me trouble before. Still there was never any mention of going to a doctor or a tutor. Instead my dad used the tried and true method of most West Indian (and so I’m told African) parents for homework. It was yelling first, slamming a hand or fist on the table, then beatings with a belt or sometimes fists, if I did not understand, got a question wrong, or the worst sin of all… forgot my homework at school. Prior to these after school abuse sessions, I never forgot my homework in the previous four years of school.

I became anxiety-ridden to the point that I could not function because of a sense of dread and impending doom. It’s a terrible feeling. Usually I was on the verge of tears or all keyed up for seemingly no reason. Frequent stomach aches and strep throat plagued me around that age. Anxiety attacks became these internal events that I got used to after a while. I still recoil from loud noises from fireworks and thunderstorms to people yelling unexpectedly or slamming things. When people make fists around me, I automatically get nervous. Getting slapped on the butt playfully also induces panic. It shakes me to my core by taking me back to a place where I felt very unsafe and terrified.

This is why my relationship with my parents is strained. I feared them, instead of trusting them with my safety and well-being. It’s something we’re working on now, I’m happy to say.

Therapy and medication helped immensely. In therapy, I learned several breathing techniques and how to ground myself. My go-to is counting all the legs on a chair and name all the colors that I see. I like the breathing technique where you take a deep 4 second breath, hold it 7 seconds, then exhale slowly. It effectively reduces my heart rate. The medication does some magic in my brain that makes me noticeably less anxious. My hands don’t shake as bad.

Honestly, I wrestle with depression daily. I might have to for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. The best depiction I’ve seen of depression in a TV show was on Big Mouth on Netflix. There is a weird comfort that I feel in giving in to the fog and sadness. They showed that comfort, something I have struggled to explain to others in the past, flawlessly. The trick for me is finding one small positive reason to get out of bed. Sometimes it’s simply brushing my teeth for my mega-watt smile. One things I won’t do is bully myself out of bed or bully myself for staying in bed. I am nicer to myself nowadays, and somehow one foot follows the other.

My biggest success so far is that I am honest with myself and others about how I feel at any given moment. I don’t push my truth down. If my answer makes other uncomfortable, I don’t care. I won’t lie to myself anymore. That’s progress.

If you have either anxiety or depression, I hope you find the strength or courage to tell someone that will really listen to you and understands you. Neither of these illness mean that you’re weak, or damaged goods, or any of the other mean things we say to ourselves. Take the time to do something nice for yourself once you calm down after an anxiety attack. They’re embarrassing and awful, but it’s not your fault. I used to eat ice cream afterward, but now I eat pickles and watch Disney movies. Those movies are an important part of my calming process, I’m not ashamed to admit. They remind me of times I felt safe and happy. Say something nice to yourself instead of blaming yourself. Do whatever brings you to a happy place! It’s not dumb if it works.

And most importantly? Remember to love yourself. Depression or anxiety aside, brain chemicals that you have no control over don’t stop you from being amazing and worthy. I’ve learned and internalized this recently. I hope you do, too.

My New Milestones

During my trip to the Bahamas, I dug deep and figured out what was important to me. I felt left behind in life’s Important Milestones: going to college directly after high school, finding a career, finding a spouse, starting a family, and so on and so forth. I became unhappy and discouraged with my life. I felt like I was doing something wrong, and that I’d never catch up.

During and after college, I scrolled through many friends, acquaintances, and strangers flashing their engagement rings with their fiancé looking adoringly at them. It was a daily occurrence of seeing other lives move forward in a way that mine wasn’t. I blocked, deleted, or unfollowed countless friends when they got engaged, and when they had beautiful weddings, or for simply changing their relationship status. I hated bachelorette party pictures, because it was a reminder of the close group of girlfriends that I didn’t have. I secretly seethed while liking, commenting, or sharing Facebook or Instagram posts. While they were experiencing love and excitement, I was somehow unloveable and bitter. It was like each post whispered, “You’re not good enough.”

That problematic whisper echoed in my mind, causing a pattern in all of my relationships. I catch a guy’s interest. I make him the center of my world in about a week. I imagine the rest of our lives together in less than a month. I am surprised Pikachu when it doesn’t work out or I find myself in a toxic situation. That sounds crazy, but I didn’t know how healthy relationships worked. I felt valuable when a guy liked me, because I did not value myself. I didn’t know what boundaries were, and low self-esteem, ignorance, and desperation made my choices. I’d say about 90% of the time, I’d date an abusive or narcissistic guy that reaped the benefits of my insecurities. The other 10% were normal guys that bolted, because I got depressed that I wasn’t checking a box fast enough.

I finally saw the problem I kept creating for myself and found solutions.
I need to stop backing men into corners in pursuit of checked boxes.
I need to stop comparing and rushing.
I need to stop chasing what I was told to want.

So I asked myself a seemingly simple question:

What do YOU want?

I want what I think everyone wants. Happiness.

But that wasn’t enough. I needed more than a one word abstract concept. What does happiness look like to me specifically? Thus, my new milestones were born. My milestones don’t have to be accomplished in any particular order. They are also not set in stone. They are fluid, and can change as I change. My current milestones are:

  • Creating an engaging blog that both inspires and validates women, giving them a space to be vulnerable and feel less alone
  • Writing a memoir about being a military child that analyzes how it impacted my life as an adult
  • Spending one day each weekend volunteering to make the world a better place
  • Finding a job that makes me feel like I am making a difference, regardless of the pay
  • Finishing my master’s degree, not to prove that I am smart, but to gain a tool to further my future career
  • Becoming a certified life coach to help those that feel stuck or like they don’t measure up
  • Attending therapy sessions with my parents to heal the trauma and abuse and reach a place of forgiveness
  • Getting to a place where my inner-critic has been replaced by an inner-supporter
  • Having a service dog for the days or times that PTSD or anxiety may become overwhelming
  • Running a 10K, since I’ve never gone farther than a 5K

There you have it, my milestones. For me, happiness isn’t in keeping up with everyone else. That’s misery dressed in designer clothes. What was most surprising to me is that none of my milestones included a man in my life. The one thing I rabidly chased after is actually not important to me at all. Imagine that. Now when I see my peers getting to the next point on the Life Script, I can just be happy for them and not feel that I like I don’t belong, or like I’m doing something wrong.

It’s okay to be different. There is freedom in not belonging.
It’s okay to have different goals, desires, and needs. Go after your version of happiness whatever it may be.

Healing Journey – Part 2

I’m back from the Bahamas! I am refreshed, rejuvenated, and reinvigorated. Click here if you haven’t read my last post about healing after heartbreak. My travel post about my Bahamian adventures goes up Wednesday this week.

On to the healing! Armed with a pen, journal, and a self-help book, I worked on myself. I prioritized moments that were purely for me and my well-being. I took advice from one of the greatest Disney movies ever made. I let go of everything. Past hurts, traumas, feeling used, confusion and anger at being lied to for so long, and not getting what I know I earned. I let it go.

During my trip, I analyzed and began to understand why I’ve always felt so insecure and depressed. I was bullied for my looks, being a nerd, and very neglected emotionally as a kid and teen. I didn’t have many close friends, because the military uprooted my family every few years. That impacted how I interact and trust as an adult. Our relationships with others are vital, and I’m not sure I ever understood how they’re supposed to work.

A sad fact about me is that I survived continuous sexual, emotional, and physical abuse as a child, teenager, and as an adult. I’ve carried that guilt and shame for as long as I can remember. I have complex PTSD (C-PTSD) meaning I’ve experienced trauma from multiple events over years, rather than a single event. Due to this, I’ve never truly felt safe or like I belonged anywhere. I lived in fear and uncertainty most of my life. I recall feeling unwanted or like a waste of space as far back as pre-school. My mom was ruthlessly critical of my body. My dad was a fan of angry, long winded tirades about how life wasn’t fair. I was certain that both my parents hated me for simply existing, and their words and actions did not prove otherwise. At an early age, I drew the conclusion that some people didn’t deserve love, and that I was one of them.

I felt like I lagged behind in “The Important Milestones”. Like graduating college, making a group of lifelong friends, having a career, getting engaged, having a wedding, and all the other Kodak moments. This unhealthy thought process developed because my parents constantly negatively compared my brothers and I to other kids or each other. Nothing was good enough. “I’m proud of you” or “You did great” were two things I did not hear growing up. I learned to treat myself with harshness instead of forgiveness, and hatred instead of love and acceptance. As I got older and reached any important milestone, it wasn’t good enough. It seemed like everyone in my age group had already done it. Then inevitably, it would fall apart. I couldn’t seem to get it together when everyone else already had. My broken engagement is the most recent example of this self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve consistently felt like an unlovable, damaged and unworthy outsider that couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard I tried.

This is my truth: I am not any of those things. I deserve love. I am loving, beautiful, kind, and I care deeply about myself and others. I deserve honesty and respect from the people that I love. I am brave when I feel fearful. I am strongest when I feel weak. I ask for help when I need it. I embody the love, kindness, and empathy that I have not received from the people I trusted and needed it from the most. I give away what I never got. My heart never hardened, and I stayed selfless and compassionate. I let people in and help, because I don’t want anyone to feel as bad as I have at various points in life. Instead of vindictively replicating my pain in others, I actively try to create love and comfort. I don’t assume the worst about others. I hope for the best in them. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman. This is what I learned about myself as I stood in the sun.

I’ve chosen new personal milestones that I’ve decided are important. Other stuff will fall into place when it’s supposed to. There’s no shame in that. One day I’ll cross paths with someone as filled with light and love as I am and have the healthy, supportive, and loving relationship that was meant for me. That person will appreciate me and everything I do to make them feel special, and won’t think twice about doing the exact same for me. His words and actions will match. With him, I’ll never feel the pain of being taken for granted again. One day, my special someone won’t be able to wait any longer and will propose to me, making sure it’s the most special unforgettable surprise of my life. I will have people in my life that want to celebrate happiness with me. My person and I won’t be perfect, but we’ll be worth it. One day, I’ll get everything I have ever deserved and won’t wonder any longer. But until that happens, I am leaving the past behind and focusing on myself and my new milestones.

This trip was so beneficial in so many ways. I met so many amazing people in Nassau. I met a guy that came to the Bahamas to help rebuild after Hurricane Dorian, because he felt compelled to. I met the quality of people I couldn’t find in Guam, the kind of people that I needed to be around to grow. Finding real and unique people who know what they want and where they are going had such an impact on me. If you’re not where you want to be or don’t know the kinds of people you think you need, try a change of scenery. They’re out there! I received a lot of great advice from men and women alike. The men told me not to go back to the past and get hurt again, and to not make time for second chances. The women told me not to diminish and exhaust myself or sacrifice the way I had before. Sacrifice and compromise are not the same thing. They encouraged me to move on and told me not to lose hope. The past won’t change, but the future has plenty of time and a plan for me. I’m doing the right thing by taking charge of my life, taking an honest look at myself, changing what I can, and doing it all with a smile on my face. I’m listening to those older and wiser than me. They know better, so I’m not looking or going back. They shared the lessons I needed to heal.

The most poignant line for me in You Are A Badass said, “If something negative happens in your life, feel it, learn from it, let it go and get back to focusing on the life you’re excited to live.” I’ve been doing that in my own way without realizing it.

I totally recommend this book if you feel like you need a change.

By the end of my trip, I became aware of my power. I made what I wanted happen without letting anything or anyone (including myself) stand in my way. I went to a music festival. I got the car I’ve always wanted. I traveled alone for the first time. I swam with a group of sea turtles. I learned new things, while making worthwhile and interesting friends from all over the world. That is powerful. All I needed was a chance and the most painful experience of my life to create the opportunity. Nothing can shake the absolute confidence and trust I have in myself right now. I make things happen. I am powerful. I will repeat that to myself every day.

What makes me happiest in this moment, is that my growth isn’t stemming from wanting to be a better person for someone else to accept me. I want to be a better person for me. I don’t want to keep struggling with the weight of pain anymore. I’ve had enough pain. I want joy. I don’t want pain to keep me stuck in the gloomy past while I miss out on the endless possibilities of the present and future. I lost someone important to me, but I found someone even more important: myself. I accept myself. I accept what happened to me. I accept that I can’t change the past. I’ve embraced all that is me, good, bad, and ugly. I’ve given my scared and lonely inner-child a big hug and told her that I’m proud of her. I am ready to move on with my life. It’s time.

“This little light of mine,
I’m gonna let it shine.”

This was my favorite song when I was a little girl, next to “Thriller” and “Waterfalls” by TLC. It popped in my head as I thought about what my friend had said when we reconnected. He said, “You have a light.” Although my light has flickered and sputtered more times than I care to count, it’s never gone out because I’ve never truly given up. My light’s still shining through the darkness, and so will I. I’m using my light to look forward and find what’s meant for me.

Have you gone on a trip to get to know yourself?
Leave a comment below & share your experience!

Healing Journey – Part 1

Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I took a break to gather myself. My tears have dried. After a couple of mopey days, I got up, washed my face, and in true Rachelle-fashion whipped out a notebook and pen. I got to work writing down how I felt and listing the choices I wanted to make.

The best choice I’ve made so far?

Instead of numbing, isolating, and avoiding, I chose to go on this journey sober. I’m stronger because of it. I believe that wholeheartedly. That speaks to how far I’ve come as a person. Not even a year ago, I would have drowned my sorrows and pain with bottles upon bottles of Cabernet and engaged in all kinds of risky and damaging behaviors because of it. Nope. Not this time. I’m older and wiser now. Alcohol does not fix anything. It does, however, give the opportunity to create more problems. No thanks. I chose to go to a new city so I wouldn’t fall back into the same toxic habits and friendships I used to rely on in Destin.

Next on my list?
Change, Self-Care, & Growth.

Mr. Buddy takes up half the bed.

I concentrated on myself, the person that I tend to neglect the most. I made myself my priority. I am my own person. I bought my dream car and conquered driving stick again. I got my hair and nails done. I joined a CrossFit class (Groupon for the win). I bought a giant teddy bear that I named Mr. Buddy for warm hugs. I got massages and facials. I’ve stopped eating meat and drinking coffee (it makes me really anxious). I’ve started “eating clean” for the most part. I started taking good care of myself, instead of putting all of my energy into taking care of everyone around me. When I catch sight of my reflection now, I see the gorgeous girl I thought I lost. Everything about me is brighter, with or without makeup. I look and feel a lot younger. I don’t look exhausted or feel completely drained anymore. I feel beautiful and confident, like a new and improved version of myself. Rachelle 2: Electric Boogaloo. I wish I didn’t lose myself and forget how beautiful I am, inside and out. I won’t let that happen again. I’m so much stronger on my own than I ever believed I could be.

First Festival Ferris Wheel ride.

I also started going for early morning thirty minute runs every day to clear my head. I went from struggling to get 2.5 miles without stopping to crushing 3.5 miles in about a week. I’m still going, and I’m proud of myself. I went to a music festival (like I had once challenged), danced my heart out, and met some awesome people. Festival people are, hands down, the best people. The best quote from my first EDC in 2016 was: Make sure you’re having more fun than the person next to you. The crowds and fireworks did not bother me at all this time, and no one groped me. I was having too much of a good time to let PTSD bother me. I did girly things like taking a ridiculous amount of posed pictures for the Gram (something I never do), wore makeup, and yell-sang along to every song I knew, just for the fun of it.

My first festival ride in the rain

It dawned on me how many fun things I stopped doing because of all the misogyny I internalized over time by being in a hyper masculine environment. I didn’t want to get made fun of or teased meanly for enjoying things that I liked. Finally doing them felt good. Turns out there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking pictures of your food or posing a certain way because you look good at that angle. Do what makes you happy. I indulged in all the girly activities and didn’t feel self-conscious about them for once. I’ve decided to stop denying myself the things that I like now and in the future. Before EDC, I put myself out there, and joined a lot of Meetup groups. As a result, I’ve made some new friends that I feel comfortable around. It’s nice to be invited places and nice to be included. Surrounding yourself with good people really makes a difference. I even worked up the nerve to go on a date! It was actually fun!

Currently, I’m talking about all of this stuff and more in therapy. Seriously therapists are the unsung heroes of this world. Therapy is making this whole process much more manageable. I’m even improving my relationship with my parents. I’m building trust in myself and others again. There is a quote by Maya Angelou that my therapist shared to give me perspective in figuring out trusting others. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I am not one to argue with the Head Sister in Charge, may she rest in peace, so I wrote it on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror for a daily reminder. I’m also applying for jobs that I think would be fulfilling, regardless of how much they pay. Most of them involve helping people or animals. I want to do something in service of others in need. That speaks to my soul the most and would make me happiest. I’m also looking for an animal shelter so I can volunteer on the weekends. Keeping busy has become very important to me, because I have the opportunity to do it!

Next choice?
Soul searching trip.

Remember that book/movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back? Well, it’s inspiring this chapter of life called How Rachelle-a Got Her Groove Back. In a couple of days I’m headed to the Bahamas by myself for some solitude, good food, and beach therapy. I’m packing nothing but swimsuits, books, sunblock, and my journal… okay, yeah, and dresses to go dancing. I forgot how much I loved to dance, even though I’m rhythmically challenged. I’ve missed so much about myself. Prior to EDC, I can’t remember the last time I did exactly what I needed when I needed it. I have a bad habit of putting my needs last. I used to run away from Destin and drive or fly to a different city whenever I needed a break. That was damn near impossible in Guam, and now I understand how much I needed that. This trip is about reclaiming the happy adventurous parts of my personality that went missing, building on my self-worth and love through me time, and plain ol’ moving on by figuring out where I want to go from there.

A funny thing happened when I got back to the States. I realized the low self-worth I felt in Guam was far from how I should have been feeling about myself. My older brother mentioned that the girl that got my previous phone number responded to his texts saying that her phone was blown up for months on end by people trying to reach me. I ended up texting her to apologize, and she sent me a bunch of screen shots.

It was a humbling moment. She complimented me, saying I must be a really sweet person if so many people were reaching out to find me the two years I was in Guam. I reconnected with many of them, and found to my surprise, that I was greatly missed and loved. I wasn’t the terrible person that loneliness led me to believe. An old friend said that he missed my light, and that I shouldn’t let anything dim it, because it inspired him. More people than I knew were rooting for my happiness because they knew I deserved it, even when I felt like I didn’t. I’m getting used to my phone ringing a lot with new and old friends and family checking in now, since it didn’t really ring much in Guam.

I know what I deserve now. I know my true value. I’m committing to living my truth and standing in the sun. I have always deserved honesty, kindness, happiness, and empathy. I deserve to be treated with fairness and respect. I deserve not to be called names, put down, and stonewalled. I deserve trustworthy people in my life. I deserve effort and feeling special. I deserve to feel comfortable and safe in my surroundings. I deserve a healthy relationship. All of this and more exists in the world that I used to perceive as cold and unforgiving. I’ve found those positive qualities internally. Now I have to embrace all the good that’s out there.

And that’s exactly what I’m about to do.

Grow Where You Are Planted

Grow Where You Are Planted

It’s hard to describe the pain of a broken engagement. It’s harder than losing a boyfriend or girlfriend. When you get engaged to someone, you have thought critically and at length about sharing your life with another person. You become less worried about the future, because you understand that your partner will be there. Questions about life start having answers. You understand that your relationship will not always be roses, but your partner is worth the thorns. Anxieties quiet, and fears dissipate. Everything about life does not make sense still, but your partner gives you clarity.

I was caught by surprise by the sudden dissolution of my relationship. I thought that we were doing well. I worked hard for our relationship. I became a better person. I showered him in love and validation. I read countless books, blogs, and news articles about communication, how to be a better partner, and how to keep the spark alive. I listened to podcasts. I went to therapy on my own to work on my personal issues. I did the work. I changed. I loved harder than I ever had. I trusted. I cared. I sacrificed. I was selfless when and where it counted. I learned patience and acceptance toward situations I could not control. I rediscovered my love of writing again. I made healthier choices, like easing up on alcohol, and participated in healthy activities like my fitness class and yoga.

I came out of this relationship better than I went in, so I think that counts for something.

I am sad. It’s like I’m grieving a death at the moment. I’m grieving the loss of a life that I will never know, but I have no anger or ill thoughts toward my ex. I know what I had in him. I forgive him for not seeing what he had in me. We bonded in a way I thought impossible after many traumas and negative relationship experiences impacted my perception of men and love. I learned to challenge my pre-conceived notions and fears. I learned to trust again. I grew stronger. Tougher. More prepared to deal with the unpredictable world around me. It is hard to understand being told that I’m not at any kind of fault in this break up, but I will learn and heal.

So as I start this new chapter of my life, as a single woman in her thirties, I refuse to feel uprooted and tossed aside. I grew where I was planted. I refused to be anything other than my authentic self. I did not try to blend in, in a place where I stood out. I found higher standards and held myself to them. I stayed honest and true to my values. I remained kind. I changed for the better, instead of becoming a version of myself that I wouldn’t like or recognize to fit in. I didn’t want to celebrate mediocrity. I wanted to grow.

I’m so grateful for the people that reached out and helped me see the positives of this experience. They’re helping me handle this new and unexpected pain with grace and dignity. In a way, I’m happy to go back to the States and reclaim parts of who I was and discover who I will become. So much of me got lost in our relationship, because I couldn’t do many things I needed to, couldn’t find a worthwhile job, and couldn’t find a group of friends that I related to. In leaving, I’m restoring my sense of self and independence, two things I have sorely missed.

I came out of this relationship better than I went in.