Dear Inner Child,
I am sorry that I wouldn’t acknowledge you before this healing journey began. I didn’t want you to see me, because I was ashamed and scared. I remember you as a curious and fearless little girl. You loved hugs and wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. Let me be the first to remind you every day: You are so precious and a beautiful little girl. You are worthy of being cherished, loved, and celebrated. You are amazing. Chase your goals. Laugh freely. Live out loud. Some people won’t appreciate you while they have you. Let them go. Keep living, learning, and doing your thing!
I remember all the times that you were frightened, like when you learned to ride a bike a few days after surgery. And the fear each time we moved to a new place because Mom got orders. Or when you experienced repeated sexual abuse, but didn’t have the right words to explain what was going on to our parents. Forgive them with love. You didn’t know what to say, and our parents were doing their best to provide you with a life they never had. You learned not to trust them or yourself in that time. Here’s good news. We continue to trust and love hard regardless of what happened to us so many times. We remained kind, gentle, and sweet instead of becoming bitter and hardening against the world.
For years you will think that you don’t deserve love or happiness because of all the things you went through, even into adulthood. But you’re surrounded by love. Your brothers share an inexplicably close bond with you. You learned how men should treat you because you had your brothers. You protected and defended each other. You have love, because you are loved. I love you forever, little girl. Don’t ever forget that either.
Life will get hard, but it has its moments. You’ll make mistakes, and have successes. There will be times that you laugh so hard that you cry, and you go into silent giggle mode, clapping like some sort of drunken sea lion. There will be times that you cry so hard that you can’t breathe, and no sound comes out, because a silent wail is all you have to express the grief and pain. You’ll get lost, then think you’ve found yourself, only to become more lost. But it’s all part of the journey. One day you’ll be 31 and some things will make sense and others won’t. You’ll have given up plenty of times leading up to 31, and each time you give up, you survive. I’ll make a promise. I won’t give up on us. I promise to keep trying every day, because you refused to give up as a child. We are here for reason, even if we haven’t quite figured it out yet. We’ll know in time.
Precious little girl, hold on to your light. You are someone that I’m so proud of each day. What a sweet little girl. You deserve everything that you set your mind to and more. I remember that once you decided on something, you put your whole being into making it happen. I might’ve lost that along the way, but I know I can do it again. I am still you, fearless and dedicated. Now that I’m older, I have some more knowledge and wisdom under my belt. We will make it to whatever goals we decide on, and we will flourish. I’ve worked hard putting so many of our monsters and inner demons to rest. My hope is that you are proud of me for conquering the bad and embracing the good finally. I’m still fighting each day.
We did it, and we did it together.